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Snackbag #01

“It’s like rolling on Molly”

Hi, My name is Kroosty Halloway and I’ll be your little bitch ass host. I hope and pray to every single pronoun that you take the time to lend me your god given ear so I can penetrate it with my 3cm long nose hairs – oh baby, let me get in there real deep with ’em, I’ll connect to you like the fuckin Navi in Avatar and whisper in some voodoo ASMR shit to activate your saucy parts.

blue man, group secks

But first, find your most comfortable chair and get those brain chemicals dumping on the john so we can get you up to speed on this latest artist John A Salerno, a man who’s crafted a delectable snack track that aims to chemically cuck world tyrants:

Potato chips, it’s a great song and a real unsuspecting track title. It’s creator, John, is a man looking to change the way people think. From what I gather, John’s pretty well fed ‘up with everyone’s:

  1. Systematic categorization of people through Politics.
  2. People’s reluctant attitude towards tolerance.
  3. People’s tainted group-think ideologies .

This does not make John a Right-Wing extremist. This also does not place John in any obvious position on the political spectrum. Instead, it makes John punk as fuck as he moves to evoke some change in our eyeball irradiated, dopamine addicted, cell-phone conflicted smooth brains by planting some ‘Salerno’ seeds to liberate us from the heavily salted social landscape we all live in and either knowingly or unknowingly help perpetuate.

So anyways, John’s invented these really great potato chips that stave off cravings in people to execute nuclear war and commit genocide. (Yeah! Way to go John!) How it all works you see, is that these chips’ method of action bind to the ‘Assholerine’ receptors in the human brain, and dump a lot of ‘Stupidshiterine‘. That instantly causes the brain to use the ‘Bubmarlarine‘ receptors where almost 3 times the amount of ‘Chillitonin‘ is produced on the spot. What I do know is, that in effect, the absorption of ‘krunch-al-amine™’ has white/red plasma receptors that make holy passes through the blood brain barrier more readily than off-brand copycats. John’s potato chips are the ONLY potato chips that create a cooling effect on the reddened and irritated assholes of world leaders, preventing them from having angry buttsex with each other, perpetuating war.

Scientific research here:

See the source image

It’s like rolling on molly, pretty much” one over eager pretend person claimed.

Any good?

Well, let’s jump right into the chorus: “Nuclear tantrums are poo-pooping answers”.

Yep. That’s pretty fucking on point in this godless year of our lord, 2022. Vladamir Putin has this military action on Ukraine that’s made the headlines as “War”, and Putin himself has threatened the use of nuclear weaponry if any NATO country whips out their dick in support of Ukraine (formerly, “The”). It’s a fucked up world man, but John’s working to get people on the same page of love and peace.

The song is a fun, whimsical, 2 minute experience that offers the listener some funny lines and groovy hooks. It plays like a trippy Santana track that’s been double penetrated with fuck-loads of samples and sounds; like this thing sounds like it was mastered down from like 32 tracks. The whole thing swims in your head like a peak creativity Brian Wilson song, AND It’s got maybe 4 distinct chorus’ that land one after the other, all the while keeping the track glued together.

The musical tale of the potato chips is well accompanied by it’s music video. The whole thing all-together reminds me of a PG rated TROMA film (and I mean that endearingly, as I fucking love TROMA).

The message according to Kroosty

At the run-time of 2 minutes and 16 seconds, the song manages to bewilder and excite while having you, the listener consider a world where humans have the profound ability to acknowledge their own thirst for destruction, and self medicate with a bag of crisps. Of course, that would lead to a world of of fat fucko’s, however, it would prevent fat shaming, since the bar on body physique would have to be lowered in accordance to the new BMI bellcurve.

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