This is probably the most fucked up review I’ve written. 2 words, Erectile Dysfunctioners.
Their first album, self titled, released on the year of our lord, 2021, in August, on Bandcamp. This is where you start when you want to seriously get into this band. Their first album is a strong opener into the rest of their discography (7 albums to date), it set’s the tone for what to expect – a descent into 21st century fine art, seemingly blossoming and owing it’s genetic make-up to the likes of NO-WAVE, but independent enough from all that, it has legs and manages to find itself paying homage to many other genres. Before we get into the meat of it all there is one secret to share with you, that surprisingly, their first released album is actually their second album; as they declare on their Bandcamp page, their first one was lost.
These guys are clever marketers. They write tracks with abrasive and caustic volumes, sounds and rhythms but put funny names like “Cumrag“, “Sticky balls” and offensive ones like “Castration of christ” (I mean, come on, you’re supposed to capitalize Christ!). They post their music in audience appropriate forums like our beloved and holy Weird Music for Weird People group. And they appeal so much to their audience that, well, without a fan of Erectile Dysfunctioners, I never would have known about them.
I’m not sure what to make of this, but I fucking love it. It’s bizarre as all fuck and to make it even more of a trip: They list themselves as residents of the North Sentinel Island. What stands out about that is this article here: John Allen Chau: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know | Heavy.com. So, let’s say this is all true, they’re from the North Sentinel Islands where outsiders are unwelcome, and say by chance they are lucky among their tribesmen and are using audio equipment, computers and are somehow connected to the internet.. then these government protected citizens who just entered the 21st century have created several underappreciated masterpieces.
first second album:
Right off the hop, you’re getting serious strings, intense ambience, an auditory hallucination, a swarm of bees moving in swaths around the album like it’s the god damned Kaaba. Must listen track? “Anal Prolapse” (HEADPHONE WARNING, ONLY LISTEN IF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO COCK AND BALL TORTURE)
“Does it excite you?” The question is asked repeatedly, playing off to a 1980’s style hip-hop track with crude casio-tone bells, deep Bassey kick, and an upbeat clap; “Does it excite you?”.
The listening experience is assembled by three phases, the “Intellectual Instrumentation”, the “tone setting middle” and proceeds to decay with the raw flourish of random ass piano notes who convey they give absolutely no fucks about you or your mother. This builds to an unlistenable wall of noise before the track cuts to a wolf-man howl and proceeds to disembody YOU, the listener. We have now engaged phase 3, the absolute hellish, and horrorifically loud, ear damaging screams from our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ. who incidentally sounds like an alien cow baby during this process – which I assume is his castration.
The screeching/ whining sounds fade out, but to replace them are the fade in, deathly bellow of what sounds like Satan himself; this, playing over a crunchy, grindy loop of the lowest tuned, brassiest stringed instrument I can imagine – though, maybe it’s simply a guitar. Who knows. But the sound is in my opinion, the embodiment of perfection. It makes me think of the sound that a bare car engine would make, running in a densely fumigated garage, full of carbon-monoxide (likely to put the alien cow baby out of it’s misery). What a track, such an experience.
The theme of this album is sensory overload; bathroom turbulence, and heart attacks during moments of ecstasy.
Their newest album at the time of writing this “Sgt Poopers Baloney Farts Cum Band“, released June 26th, 2022 is incredibly different from their
debut second album, and seeks more conventional sounds and instrumentation compared to their absurdist NO-WAVE surprise heard from their first second offering.
The first track off the new album, surprisingly titled: “Sgt Poopers Baloney Fart Cum Band” is a 1980’s sounding pop song with elements of future-wave. It’s kind of like taking Daft Punk, placing them with 80’s technology and getting them to repetitively loop vocals throughout the track that say nothing but “Sgt. Poopers Baloney Fart Cum Band”. Listen here:
Their second track, is similarly whimsical, playing from what sounds like a Casio piano’s sound bank, an audio experience you might experience while walking by a Radioshack mall outlet during the late 1980’s, or while messing around with that shitty AI instrumentation software from Microsoft titled “Songsmith“. The track is all about an in-the-moment telling about having to go pee.
Track 3, “Backyard Wrestling”, a 2 minute and 40 second “anthem” song about being sexually aroused by your friends during some old fashioned back-yard wrestling (I think, I’m not really sure). There’s a lot going on with this song, I had to listen to it 15 times to somewhat figure it out; with the Beach-Boys style song structure playing out as though it’s digitized and processed on SEGA’s 16 bit Genesis hardware. SEGA was doing a lot of really interesting experiments with compression back in the day so it wouldn’t be hard to imagine this song as the OST to SEGA’s imaginary Donkey Kong Country competitor “Erectile Dysfunctioners Beach City”. You play as Sgt Poopers whose goal is to locate his band members “Pvt. Parts”, “Willie The Poo”, “Daman”, and “Boris”.
In seriousness, Backyard wrestling sounds like a severely demented version of a Parappa the Rapper song. I’m not sure what would be more fun, playing a control sequence matching game like Parappa the Rapper or the Donkey Kong Country clone.
 a Kroosty insider has shared that Backyard Wrestling actually get’s it’s melody from a ps2 video game of the same name! check this out, though – Erectile Dysfunctioners version is way better.
The Erectile Dysfunctioners version:
Baby Bum Balls, I’m pretty sure by just writing that I am now on some list – and you are too because you read it. But that’s track 4 of this album. Musically, this would be one of the more interesting tracks on the album. It has variation which is really welcoming after listening to the beach boys brain washing repetitiveness of “Backyard Wrestling”. The lyrics are pretty simple and easy to follow along with, and the song even has breakdowns.
Bliss Kiss Drug Abyss, yesss, we made it to track 5. This is a pretty cool dance song and kind of reminds me of some HOUSE music from the early 90’s at some point, though somewhat more crude. The song is fairly straight forward but there’s some odd music shapes that start being added towards the end, and then, vocals.. and they are very odd vocals, this is a callback to what I’m used to from their first album.
Ok, I’m about at the half-way point with this album and what started out as a strange, crude pop/punk/retro album starts to take shape into something truly bizarre. Track 6 “DO IT”. Holy fuck, this song is fucked. After being led into track 6 from Bliss Kiss Drug Abyss, I feel like this is the hellish, challenging experience of the drug trip, where the user is shown all kinds of odd geometrical shapes and colors they can practically taste. “DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT”. If you’re trying to get hooked on “ED” and looking for something to ‘DO IT” for you, listen to this song.
I think it would be hilarious to drop this on a busy dance club (If anyone has the opportunity to play this for a live audience, please post results).
Track 7, “Skippin’ on the street”. The Chorus, “Skippin’ on the street, Skippin’ on the street; Jackin’ off my Meat, Jackin’ Off my Meat”.
Thoughts at this point: This album reminds me a lot of Blood-Hound Gang, but more perverse and fluid with creative direction so something more along the lines of “Mindless Self Indulgence”, but more fucking perverse and without borders. The songs are short, chaotic, and really well put together, often sounding as though they mock the genres they embody.
This is Track 8, “Amy’s Mum”. She’s a cunt.
Track 9, Colossal Beatrice. It kind of feels like an intermission with classical piano and strings; that is, until the vocoder effects kick in and everything get’s intense and insane.
Track 10, The Green Gift. Thoughts? They are now summoning demons, powered by Casio.
Track11, Non-Glossolaic Orations. The summoned demon just wanted to make excellent jams, in typical muppet fashion.
Track 12, Blowhard. This track is 2 minutes and 32 seconds. This is a really interesting track, has some sitar sounds, and a really strange vocal loop “WhyeeeiiiiiiwhooooiiiieeeeeayayayayayayayayaO”. This sounds like a really interesting song to “meditate to”(consume intoxicating substances that are legal in Canada and some of the United States).
Track 13. Mystic. Another track, completely unique from track 12, but running 2 minutes and 32 seconds. I have to say off the hop that I am definitely an ALBUM guy. I like to listen to an album from start to end. I like all the songs to have textures and musical colors built off a consistent pallet, and just like videogame hardware constraints on the NES, Erectile Dysfunctioners “Sgt Poopers Baloney Farts Cum Band” is an album built with lots of diversity and approach but masterfully using such a limited canvas and tools. Ending the album on this track is a wonderful experience as a listener and lover of music.
My verdick is in. Erectile Dysfunctioners, the mystery, the romance, the stupendous talent of these Sentinel Island residents.
Shout out to
- willie the poo
Please continue to light the world with your music.